Some things just need to be said...

There are a lot of things flowing through my mind and I felt like there would be some peace that came from expressing it. When I in junior high I had a really difficult day and I felt like everyone ignored me and no one smiled at me and I felt worse. The next day was pretty similar and I felt alone, I distinctly remember one person smiling at me and I felt remembered. From that day on I told myself that no one would ever feel forgotten when they were around me. There was no excuse good enough for me to not smile at someone that needed a smile.

This experience has shaped my life. I have always felt that Heavenly Father has blessed me with the ability to love. I can't think of hardly anyone that I truly dislike. Before Owen was born I worked for a place called BRASC. I was a receptionist for a facility that took care and helped those with disabilities. There was never a job more suited for me. I loved going to work every day and I felt like I was blessed every day by these sweet sweet spirits. I was surrounded by hugs and kind words and people that I really loved. It was hard to leave, but I still visit and they still remember me even after 3 years.

Well, now I have a son that takes the bus to school with some of the kids that were in our summer program and now I am blessed to raise my own sweet spirit. I could never really express the joy and heartache that come with Owen. The joy is in his smile and laugh and hugs and kisses. He is incredibly smart and fun to be around. He is genuinely happy most of the time and I love watching him discover new things. The only heartache that comes with my amazing son, is no words. He can say go and occasionally will say a random word here and there, but I have only heard mom a couple of times (and he is 3 and a half) and I have never heard I love you.

In the beginning, I remember thinking that I just needed to love him enough. I needed to tell him every day that I love him and that he is smart and fun and special. And I have. And still there are no words. I know that hearing him speak wouldn't change everything, but I just want it more than anything. It's difficult to explain to people what it's like. It kind of reminds me of when you're single and you feel like all you see around you are happy couples. I really hope that none of this comes out the wrong way, because I look at Owen and I love so many things about show he is and what he does and how smart and wonderful he is. I just wish I knew how best to help him.

Yesterday I had an appointment for Will and when I spoke to the pediatrician he was concerned that Will wasn't talking yet and so he suggested we get him evaluated as well. I understand that lots of kids don't talk by the time they're 15 months, but all those feelings and worries and concerns came rushing back. Owen and Will are complete opposites in most ways and so I don't feel overly worried, but then I can't help but wonder what I'm doing wrong. I sometimes feel like I am trying to play every game, read every book, and fill all my energy with my kids and it just feels like a weight.

I know that it isn't true, but it's hard not to feel like everything they can't/aren't doing is a reflection of who I am as a mother. I am young and naive and feel sometimes that I missed the parenting class that everyone else seems to ace. I love my kids more than anything and all I want is for them to be happy and loved and at least I am doing that. I just pray that I can show them the love and happiness that they have given me. Like I said, sometimes it is just therapeutic to say how you feel and so there it is, with all the good, bad and the ugly.