Late night vent...

I know I shouldn't blog when I'm tired or worn out, but lately that is every day and so why not?

I am the type of person that tries to see the good in people and situations and circumstances. However, some days I just need to be sad or angry. This is one of those days. We had an in home visit today and Owen was tired and grumpy and so I was trying to feed him food he liked (which is not my normal routine, because he is super picky about food and we are trying to get him to eat what we eat), well then he had an appointment where he didn't interact. Some days I can just shrug that off, and some days I just don't get it.

I mean he is surrounded by people that love him and a brother that is fascinated in him and wants to play and all he wants to do is turn magnets over. It is just so discouraging sometimes. It's like there is a wall between us and I can see him and I know he can see me, but we aren't allowed to play together. The day went on and he did let me toss him in the air, jump on the couch, and play with his blanket and pillow for about 20 minutes or so. Then he fell down and I wanted to console him and he wanted nothing to do with me. He has always been like this, and it still breaks my heart a little when he pushes me away.

I think one of the hardest parts about this whole experience is what I feel like he misses out on. A lot of the time, we try to plan things we think he would like to do but he has no interest. We want to plan a trip, but he really thrives with consistency. I feel like I need to be careful with the way I explain this, because he is such a happy kid and those moments when I get hugs or kisses out of nowhere last me a long time. I couldn't possibly love anyone more, I just wish I could hear him talk and understand when I tell him I love him. There is so much involved with autism that I don't understand and it feels so out of my control.

It was interesting, I was asking my bishop for some advice and he said something that really stuck with me, he said "These kind of situations can take you closer to the Savior or take you away from the Savior" and it really got me thinking that this is something I could never do on my own and although today was one of my harder days, it will get better. He is happy and deep down I know that he knows me and wants to be around me. I know that Heavenly Father is strengthening both Zac and I through all this and letting us know we are not alone.