It's interesting to me how sometimes little things can undo me. For example, Zac was out of town for a conference and it was just me and the kids. I knew that Owen was exhausted and the way he was acting just made it more clear. Well, he kept getting up to go to the bathroom, but wouldn't go, just played with his toes. Then he wanted to lay down in our room. This never happens and I was stumped. I thought that maybe he had a tummy ache and so I got his some Tylenol and put him back down. Then as more time went on and he kept getting up, I started to worry. Finally, I took the hint, and looked at his big toe. Sure enough, he had an ingrown toenail. (He bites his fingernails and toenails and so I never notice until it hurts him).
Well, I took care of it and about 5 minutes later, he was asleep. This may seem like a little thing to you, but to me it's scary. It reminds me of how limited his language is. It reminds me of how much I don't know about him. It reminds me that I can't explain to him that I'm trying to help and I hate that I can't tell him that I'm sorry that it hurts, because he doesn't understand. It reminds me that he doesn't want me to comfort him. And it all makes me feel helpless. What if he's really hurt or scared or any number of things? I love my kids more than anything and that loss of communication is sometimes really painful.
That being said, I am so grateful that he is happy A LOT of the time. I'm grateful that I am their mom and that I still want to help them even when it's hard. He woke up the next morning with a smile on his face and had a really great day. I will continue to try to do the same.
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